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Credits & Disclaimers:

News wire: The Dirty Daily

All of the characters portrayed herein are ficticious, and no connection is intended or implied with real persons living or dead, except for the purposes of Parody or Satire as provided for in the First Amendment. Got a problem with that?

Welcome to Alpha Test
July 11, 2007 NPA Ticketing-in-the-Rain Edition

An umbrella toting pedestrian passes an omnipresent NPA meter while the Nyack Community Garden, Cars, and Streets get hosed by Mom Nature around 5PM today.

Nyack Melts, then Congeals in Tortured Posture with Rain
After enduring two days of heat in excess of 100°F, Nyack literally melted down except for those spaces with hearty airconditioning. Formerly solid objects such as buildings, cars, and people, developed twisted melting shapes. These shapes became permanent when today's rain lowered temperatures enough for objects to resume their normal solid state. The damage was done, however, and Village Officials are planning to charge admission to out-of-towners and temporarily rename downtown "Dali Land" until reparations can be made.

Separately, Village Officials bemoaned that the high temperatures had reduced proceeds from NPA ticketing operations by over 23.7%. Some of the shortfall in funding for corrupt Village operations was also due in part to one meter maid failing to be on the job. The Village employee was found prostated on the ground, possibly due to choking on his heat.

[Editor's note: the author of the article does not own a car]

Blood Planet, Dirt Moon
The last few nights, we've been treated to the sight of a dirt moon most evenings. In addition, the planet Jupiter has been visible to the left of the dirt moon. Astralologist Arthur had previously predicted "Blood Planet, Dirt Moon" in his book "Night of the Dirt Elves".

Meter Maid Mystery
A Nyack Meter Maid was found unconscious in the Helen Hayes parking lot, off Artopee Way. People milling about the scene who were questioned provided wildy conflicting descriptions of an alleged perpetrator. Some accounts had the Meter Maid beaten with a club, others stated he was shot, and one account had the Meter Maid falling unconscious due to excessive bad breath from a passerby. Police investigaing the incident stressed that there was nothing unusual about the incident, and that no investigation was planned. "This sort of thing occurs every day in Nyack, and we don't feel this incident requires any special attention." said Investigator Sydney Nunn of the Orangetown Police. "Nyack is a wonderul village, where the only crimes are mere violations committed by otherwise innocent citizens who must pay large amounts of cash to atone for their infractions" said Nunn. Nyack Meter Maid Leroy White, Jr. is a local fixture and target of anger and scorn. He works out of the Nyack Mayor's office, due to the important role he plays in lining the pockets of Nyack authorities with parking violation proceeds.

Alien Presence Suspected in Nyack
Many Nyackers have reported hearing strange silences throughout the day. "Everything was quiet. No birds, no traffic, no cell phones, no people talking. It was scarey." reported one resident. Others saw strange creatures approximately 5 feet tall: "mostly legs with just a little connecting them together at the top" reported one eyewitness.

What Happened to Nyack Pirate Radio?
Your intrepid reporter has been listening on and off at 102.5 to no avail. Have I been listening at the wrong times? As we are not in regular contact with the suspected perpetrators, we're not at present privy to the particulars. Report your sightings to our address, graphically encrypted above.

Links
Help us build a good list of links related to the Nyack scene! Send us some suggestions.

Bands

• Beep Deeply
• Erosian Exile
• Glint
• Saxy

Sites of Interest

• Nyack Social Scene

Nyack's favorite meter maid delivers Nyack's favorite performance one more time, attracting business and commerce to the Village†. Nyack's second favorite meter maid performs for loving taxpayers†. Note electrode on arm, and ground strap on wrist, that allow for easy reprogramming, should new enforcement features be required to increase revenue.

† - If taxpayers don't like the way the NPA functions, then why do they support it? Whose fault is it? Look in the mirror! This is a participatory government - so participate and express your disapproval by removing the problem.

ContraBand at Olive's on
Summer Solstice 6/21

ContraBand, featuring Dylan (bass), Andy Rock (guitar), Phil, and Charles (sitting in for Seth on drums), played Olive's for Summer Solstice. ContraBand will play Olive's every Thursday during the summer months, playing classic rock covers, and jamtastic jams.

Listen or Download

Click over to the Music Page for music downloads and pictures.